Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
