I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
