saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
