My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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