I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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