dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
