Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
