You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
