my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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