Need sex. Gaining weight.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
