So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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