Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
