my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
smell my finger.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
