She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
