Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
