3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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