Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
