Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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