i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
