my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
