i was born a porn star she said
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
