We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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