my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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