I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
