fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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