I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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