I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
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I forgot how hot balto sounded
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
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Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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