I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
