I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
