Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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