The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My balls are so social today.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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