so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
