those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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