you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.