so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
