I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian