I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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