She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My boob is missing a layer of skin
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
