I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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