I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
