With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
