it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
