I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
