the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
