I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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