I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
