i think i have two assholes
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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