Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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