What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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