i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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