After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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