its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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