I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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