Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
