My underwear smells like fireworks.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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