fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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