dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
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You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
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A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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