Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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