i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
