Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
