Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
